How Candide and Pangloss and Cunegonde and Martin and Paquette and Brother Giroflee and Cacambo and the Old Woman returned to Eldorado and who they found there.

Candide and his friends lived happily on their farm for several years. But finally, they all wished for the riches that Candide had seen at Eldorado and to be off their farm and it's labor once and for all.

Candide was the first to voice his qualms with the farm. He spoke first to Pangloss, who also said he was tired of working on a hot, dry farm in Transylvania. Next he talked to Cunegonde, who yelled at him for ruining her souffle, then yelled at him for not thinking of going back to Eldorado years ago. He talked to the old lady, who said she had slept with every man within 50 miles of the farm, and wouldn't mind some new surroundings. Martin had never believed Candide's story of Eldorado, and so agreed to go just to prove to the rest of them that the Eldoradoans were not as happy as Candide thought. Paquette wanted to go wherever Pangloss went. Cacambo quickly agreed to go, for he was longing for the riches he once had. Brother Girofl‚e said he had nothing better to do, and thought that maybe he could covert the Eldoradoans to Christianity. So, since everyone agreed to go, Candide sold his farm and the 100 acres that he had acquired over the last several years to his neighbor for a washbasin that was big enough for the nine of them and three oars made out of lava-rock, and they set out for South America and Eldorado.

Having no sail and only three stone oars, the troupe rowed their way, unknowingly, into the Atlantic Ocean, south to the Indian Ocean, east around the African Horn, north to the Arctic ocean, east to Greenland, and then south until they bumped into South America. Having spent 15 years in a washbasin on the open sea feeding on nothing but raw fish and seaweed, everybody looked like Cunegonde did when Candide found her in Transylvania, and Cunegonde looked three times worse, and they all desired enemas.

They entered a small Spanish town on the coast, and bought a map that led to Eldorado from a fisherman, who had a chest full of them. Even though the map was fake and led nowhere, Candide was such a bad navigator, and no one else with him knew even that much, that he accidentally found the river again that led into Eldorado.

Soon the nine were surrounded by the Eldoradoans, who gave them food, drink, and enemas. After that, they were taken to the king, who recognized Candide and Cacambo right off, even though neither had any skin left on their faces due to the incredible heat from the Eldoradoan sun.

"Candide, my boy, what has happened to you?"

"Not much since last we met, your highness." He pulled Cunegonde out from behind Pangloss, where she was hiding. "This is my wife, the woman that I left here for all those years ago, the lov... the lady Cunegonde."

"She sure is an ugly little tramp, isn't she?"

"She has not always looked this way, majesty. Our trip here has been very devastating to us all."

"Well, why didn't you say so? We have the most remarkable surgeons here that can fix most anything. I'll send you all there, and they will put you back right again, and as beautiful as ever."

And so the troupe was sent to the hospital, and they were all operated on. They were all finished at the same time, and came out to look at each other. Pangloss had never looked better - his chest was high and strong, his face was pink and rosy, and his hair was a bright shade of green. Cacambo was a full seven feet taller than he had been, but otherwise looked the same. Paquette had bright blonde hair that reached to her ankles, as did her breasts. Brother Girofl‚e had a full head of hair that stood straight up as if he had been given a fright. The Old Woman looked a hundred and twenty years younger, but her diaper needed changing. Candide looked as handsome as he had when Cunegonde first saw him in the Castle Thunder-ten-tronckh. And Cunegonde looked absolutely beautiful, with perky breasts, firm thighs, hair as glimmering as the sun, and two eyes, that glowed with an inner light, located right below her nose. Candide was glad to have his friends returned to normal.

They lived in Eldorado for three years before anything eventful happened. It was on the anniversary of their entrance to Eldorado that a buzzing sound surrounded the entire village. It got louder until it was quite deafening. Suddenly, out of the sky came a huge bird-type vehicle that flew with only one wing that circled above its head. It landed in front of the king's mansion, and it's eyes glared at the villagers.

Soon, a door opened on the side, but the wing continued to circle. Out stepped a man dressed sillier than anyone Candide had ever seen - he wore a dark blue jacket, with a piece of cloth tied around his neck. His pants looked very uncomfortable, even more so than a king's usual garb. He got out of the bird, and walked up to the king, who had come out of his mansion to see this monstrosity that had landed in his kingdom.

"You must be the king - I could smell the treasure on you. Actually, I could smell this whole place from where I lived, and I had to find it. This must be the richest place on Earth. Would you consider selling it?"

"What? How can I sell something that means so much to me and my people? How can I sell my kingdom to a stranger that hops out of the sky, dressed like a pansy and smelling like a woman?"

"I can give you anything you want. Women, cars, horses, fruit trees..."

"Did you say fruit trees?"

"Yes. I can give you cherry trees, apple trees, orange and banana, pear, even grape and potato trees, which my scientists have just invented."

"Can you get me peach trees?" the king asked with wide eyes and drooling lips.

"Of course, kingy. I can do anything. I'm Donald Trump."

"Let me discuss this with my friends." The king called Candide and his friends over to him, and they went to the steps of the mansion. "Should I do it? I've always wanted my own orchard."

"Sir King," said Candide. "Would you give up all that you now have for a small orchard? Would you throw your people outside into the evil that is the modern world? I beg you to not do this, to not ruin the last great place on Earth, this best of all worlds."

"Sir King," said Pangloss. "Far be it from me to advise a king, but if this man is here, that can only mean that it is for the best that you sell it to him."

"Sir King," said Martin. "If you throw your people outside these protective walls, they will be as miserable as everyone else in the world. I think that they deserve it. No one should be as happy as they have been for this long."

"Sir King," started Cunegonde, but the king interrupted her.

"That decides it, then. If the two greatest philosophers in all of Europe (as you have told me they were, Candide) can agree on a single course of action, then that is how it shall be."

The king walked back to Donald and agreed to his terms - 5 fruit trees of every different species in the world. Donald gleefully hopped into his helicopter and grabbed the cellular phone. "Ivana? It's me, Donald. I'm in Eldorado! The streets are lined with gold and jewels, and I just bought it for a song. We will be even richer than we once were, Ivana. What? No, I haven't touched the stuff since high school, you know that. Honest to Trump. I'm really in Eldorado. Yes I am! Yes I am, yes I am, yes I am!!!! I just bought it for a hundred fruit trees. Yes and there's this girl standing right here that's got eyes below her nose. And this other guy has green hair. No, Elvis isn't here, and stop laughing! Trump-dammit, why don't you believe me? But I just bought all this gold and diamonds for some trees! No, don't hit that button. I refuse you to press that button! DO NOT HIT THAT BUTTON!!! AAAAARRRRGGGG..." and Donald Trump and his helicopter disappeared into thin air.

The king was heartbroken about having lost his orchard, but he set his scientists to it, and they soon had an orchard full of strange trees that could grow nowhere else on Earth, including a tree that actually grew diamonds. He also set his scientists to work on a huge transparent shield to cover the valley, to keep the "smell" of Eldorado out of the rest of the world. And so Candide, Pangloss, Cunegonde, Paquette, Martin, the Old Woman, Brother Girofl‚e and Cacambo lived in Eldorado for over 600 years, until an invasion from outer space once again threatened their valley. But that is another story.

Tyler Jones, February 24, 1991